Gender As Culture

 I identify as male, with he/him pronouns, a big ole beard, hetero-appearing, with a cross-gender marriage. The little necromancer gnome that I play, she’s a little lady. So, if I want to play her well, how do I do it? If I want her to read as feminine, with a more feminine communication style, language choices, gestures, and performance, how can I best accomplish that to make for a convincing character for my DM and my fellow PCs? Theorist and scholar Deborah Tannen might suggest that I think about the differences between my typically masculine communication style and the style of my female gnome as essentially different cultures of communication. To Tannen, and other subscribers of the theory of Genderlect Styles, male and female communication is perhaps best understood as cross-cultural communication. (“Genderlect” is wordplay based on a linguistic dialect.)

The gender differences Tannen observed in her studies pointed her toward very early socialization of masculine and feminine children and the way they are each taught to speak, listen, and act. In broad strokes, the theory posits that women are socialized to value connection and collaboration with others; men are socialized to be concerned with status.While genderlect admits that these are in no way the only goals, they are the primary one for men and women.  

Returning to my gnome, Roywyn, assuming she was socialized female, would likely communicate in a way that emphasized her desire to connect with others, to avoid unnecessarily offenses, and to get along: “rapport” talk. For me, as someone who has been socialized to communicate more masculinely, I likely speak in ways that “report” on events, facts, and information. The theory contends that these distinctions likely show up in early childhood.

At your gaming table, there are several ways for you to integrate the tenets of genderlect into your game. If you are playing a masculine or feminine character, one topic to consider is how much they embody the communicative style stereotypical of their gender.  For instance, the stereotypical woman talks a lot more than a stoic perennially silent man. Such a female stereotype might hold true in a private conversation, but is less likely in a public forum. Instead, in the market square, it might be easy to find a (male) rabble-rouser trying to elicit support from the crowd. A firebrand male NPC might jump on the town square’s fountain, and begin to lecture, demand allegiance, issue directives, man-splain, assert his own ideas, and draw attention to himself. Just as there is value in understanding this theory and what it claims to be true about masculine and feminine communication, so too is there value in subverting the stereotype. This is especially important when you have characters and players who identify as non-binary, at some point along the gender spectrum.

Gender differences appear not only in the amount individuals speak and the attention they seek, but also in the stories they tell. Men tend to tell more stories and jokes than men in which they often appear heroic. In contrast, when women tell their own stories, they minimize their contributions. When it comes to listening, Tannen has observed differences in the relative amount of attention women show in comparison to men. It’s generally more. Interruptions, for women, tend to be used to communicate agreement and support. Men more often interrupt to dominate, contradict, or one-up.

Does Roywyn ask a lot of questions? If she does, how annoying does the gruff, burly (male) fighter in the party find it? Tannen finds that stereotypical men opt not to ask questions as it communicates some level of ignorance. For women, question-asking is more often a strategy of connection-seeking. If I’m trying to play Roywyn as someone using a more feminine communication style, even her opinions will come with tags and questions, in order to soften any potential face threats they might cause. “Oh, I don’t think we should go in the front door, right?”  “Don’t you think it’d be better if we made sure our healing potions were distributed among the party?”

According to genderlect styles, men probably appear more comfortable with conflict, holding themselves back less, energized and excited to participate in the debate. Women may instead view conflict as a threat to their connection with others, and therefore something to be avoided when possible. Men and women are also likely socialized to use different forms of nonverbal communication, but genderlect focuses more narrowly on the verbal communication individuals manifest. 

Just as growing up in Orange County, rural Ohio, or Brooklyn would impact the dialect you were socialized to speak, so does growing up male, female, or nonbinary. Your linguistic culture is learned. Often that learning comes from the people around you, who tend to be similar to you. Early socialization plays a great role in linguistic development, according to this perspective.

As I alluded to earlier, there’s absolutely no reason that at your gaming table your characters have to perform the gendered communication that is expected of them. Indeed, in real life, there’s every freedom to choose a communication style and genderlect that suits your identity performance. You can expect consequences of violating others’ expectations, but that seems to me the cost of living authentically. Indeed, learning to adopt different genderlects seems to me a valuable skill and cross-cultural competency. Knowing about gendered communication styles, and being able to fluidly adopt one style or another would seem to make it more likely that your communication would be able to achieve your goals, be they more connection or status focused. 

On its face, genderlect styles is a reductionist theory: men are this way; women are that way. Given what we now know about gender, its fluidity and its construction, this theory seems desperately in need of overhaul. Once the theory is understood, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, where behaviors that support its claims are attended to and those that don’t are perhaps ignored.